Thursday, June 3, 2010

A girl with no self esteem....

We went to Rocky Gap today. First of all, the weather was great! 90 degrees and sunny! But no matter how beautiful the weather and water was, I couldn't get my mind off one thing... I'm fat. Even though I seen other women of ALL sizes on the beach, I just wanted to dig a hole in the sand and hide. But I'm too out of shape to dig a hole that big. I didn't want to leave the security of underneathe the shadow of the umbrella. Why am I this way? Why am I so ashamed? These very questions keep me up at night and haunt me during the daylight. I have many answers but still no solutions. Dieting is the obvious answer but no solution because no matter how many pounds I lose, the image I have of myself will never ever change. And no matter how often my husband tells me that I am perfect to him, still, in the back of my mind I am thinking "Dan, you need to get your eyes checked!". I will be 25 years old in September. I'm a young chick! I should be out there flaunting my double d's, not pulling my beach towel up under my chin. I know this, but can't bring myself to the point of tossing the towel aside and saying to the world "I don't care what you think!". I guess the first step to this is to learn to like myself. But how could I ever like what I see in the mirror?

1 comment:

Mary Jo said...

You will learn to accept yourself and you will be fine. But who I am to say much I am finally, after all the years, beginning to like me. Yes I lost some weight but that has very little to do with the smile of my face. I am feeling such happiness deep within my soul. People tell me they have never seen me so happy and never never never go back but keep going forward. You will get there girl - it doesn't have anything about how look but knowing that you were created special and that God created you and He loves you. I wish I knew the secret of how to get there but I can't explain how I got there - but I do love you as well. Stand tall and don't hide those DD's. Yes that came out fro me. LUV U.