Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Woe is me....

Well, a couple days ago my personal doctor informed that I have PCOS. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. My doctor also said I'd have go throught fertility treatments to have another baby. Finally, all these strange symptoms I've had ever since I can remember, now make sense. And it all just leaves me wondering...What took doctors so long? So, I haven't been working very much in the green room. I've been too depressed. I try to hide my hurt because I don't want to be a bummer. But I am really aching inside. I can't sleep. And for the first time ever, I don't want to eat! Oh, the doctor says he can prescribe some medication that will help. That's great news and all, don't get me wrong. But he told me that I won't be able to have a period without a pill. To me, that's like saying "you won't be a woman unless you take this and this." (Sigh of frustration.) So, in my mind, I'm not a woman if I need to take a pill to be one. So, what am I? I feel like some empty body. I guess I should thank the Lord I have my daughter. I am so thankful for her! But still, I had  pictured my husband and I with a yard full of kids. Then, it's like all this depression feeds on itself. I start thinking...Why don't I have a mother that gives a damn about me? I sure could use some motherly love right about now! Why doesn't anyone call me? No one emails me. Not even my aunt who swears she likes me. She would probably help me feel better about this PCOS thing. It's like I have no family at all. My mother in law calls me but it's not the same. She didn't know me as a little girl. She can't remind me of the time I fell off my bike but didn't cry....just got back up and kept on a truckin'. (I don't know if anything like that ever happened but you get the idea). I need someone to remind me that I'm tough because sometimes I get tired of telling myself. See! The depression just digs deeper and deeper. I better stop and go to bed. Another sleepless night. It's complicated.

1 comment:

Mary Jo said...

I love you with all my heart you are as if you were mine. I didn't know you as a child but I did watch you play in your yard as I did evening walks with a friend. I saw you on a many occasion and thought you were adorable and loved you afar. Never knew that one day you would be mine. I love you - mom at heart - MJ